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Open up about sex to keep healthy,
women told
12 October, 2007
For women, self-silencing on sex and
suppressing emotions leads to stress,
anxiety, depression and an array of
other unhealthy behaviors.
Holding back sexual frustrations from
the partner is not only bad for a
woman’s relationship but also could be
harmful to her health, recent studies
have shown.
The New York Times newspaper recently
reported that it is not what we fight
about that makes the difference, but
rather how we fight, and how those
ways of arguing affect men and women
differently. The way one fights can
have a big impact on one’s health as
other factors such as diet, exercise,
and cholesterol.
Confrontation triggers the brain’s
‘fight-or-flight response.’ Many men
respond by fighting, which naturally
raises heart rate, increases blood
pressure, and plays a role in stress
and heart disease.
According to sex therapist Ian Kerner,
interestingly, the opposite reaction –
that is, ‘flight’ – can be just as
harmful, if not worse, to women.
‘Flight’ leads to self-silencing, and
this suppression of emotions leads to
stress, anxiety, depression, and
several related unhealthy effects.
Studies have shown that sex is one of
the main reasons for people to argue –
often taking precedence over money,
housework, and other common sources of
conflict.
Sex is also one of those subjects that
women tend to keep bottled up because
they are afraid of an angry reaction.
Self-silencing and suppressing
emotions concerning sex leads to
severe depression, anxiety, and often
infidelity.
So, Ian Kerner advises women to talk
about sex rather than keep quiet about
it. However, it is easier said than
done.
When it comes to communicating about
sex, there is often a gap between what
we want to say and how we actually say
it, and even the gentlest of words can
lead to confrontation. Criticism,
expressed or perceived harshly, is the
sexual kiss of death, according to Ian
Kerner.
His advice to women is: if you can,
try to express your desires as a
positive turn-on rather than a
negative turn-off. In other words,
instead of telling him, “You don’t
know anything about foreplay or how to
please a woman,” tell him that you had
a sexy dream about him last night and
then describe the foreplay you would
like as though it was something he was
doing in your dream.
For long, anthropologists have
observed that women are “face-to-face”
communicators, while men do so
“side-by-side.” In simple terms, this
means that women are much more
comfortable with direct eye contact,
which probably has a lot to do with
the female history of nursing,
cuddling, and generally fawning over
their infants all the while staring
lovingly into the baby’s eyes.
Men, on the contrary, find direct eye
contact extremely confrontational. In
her famous book titled Why We Love,
Helen Fisher wrote, “This response
probably stems from men’s ancestry.
For many millennia, men faced their
enemies; they sat or walked sat by
side as they hunted game with their
friends.”
So, Ian Kerner advises women: use
evolution to your advantage and have a
sex talk while taking a walk or drive,
or shopping or watching television.
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