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Polar bears reject Inuit concerns, worried about less sex

The Intuits have had their say. Now listen to the bear.

18 May, 2008:

BARROW, Alaska - The U.S. decision to list polar bears as a threatened species has indigenous Alaskan polar bears like Great White Tuft of Hair thrilled that hunting by Inuits who rely on them for food and warmth could be banned.

Great White Tuft of Hair was also seriously worried that fewer polar bears mean fewer chances of sex, which leads to even fewer polar bears in the future.

Life's a bitch: Great White Tuft of Hair
  • We are bigger
  • We have no honor in killing humans
  • We are more aesthetically appealing than the Inupiats
  • They get lots of sex, we don't
  • Girls think we are making this whole Endangered shit up to get laid more
  • Inuits are not endangered
  • Our kids are cuter
  • We don't sleep on your fur, you don't sleep on ours. Deal.
  • There IS honor in killing a big fucking bear. Every kid knows that.

Standing a bit away from the edge of the receding sea ice-shelf (where Aalak Nayakik was talking to Reuters representing Inupiats) offshore from Barrow, some 351 miles north of the Arctic Circle, Great White Tuft of Hair, a member of FurryFourLeggedOnes spoke about the Inupiat peoples who have inhabited northern Alaska for centuries.

The Inupiat people say polar bears are a staple food for their families. Great White Tuft of Hair said his clan makes no such claims, and the occasional eating they do of the occasional Inupiat they come across should be taken as natural instinct, not taste for human meat.

"I don't particularly like to eat Inupiat meat, can surely go without it," Great White Tuft of Hair said. "But the proposed ban on polar bear hunting is almost like taking the cow away from the white folks. But in this case we are the cow, so we are happy."

Endangered Species status has no impact on producing babies

This Endangered Species shit is real, girls!

Coming back to sex and reproduction, he added that "Nowadays we have to wander for hundreds of miles avoiding hunters, and then when we finally come across a female, she wants to be a friend!" Great WHite Tuft of Hair explained that it has become routine for polar bear males to explain global warming and species deterioration to clarify the dire situation. But few females are convinced.

Aalak Nayyalik, we are not your bedspread!

The Bush administration's ruling on Wednesday left FurryFourLeggedOnes bear community of the northernmost point in the United States a bit more positive about how their lives and customs will change. "Sure global warming and food scarcity will remain. But at least no one will be trying to make a bedspread out of our fur."

Aalak Nayakik, who uses polar bear fur for his family's bedding, said news of the listing has him wondering if hunts will lead to sanctions or jail time. FurryFourLeggedOnes and their spokesbear Great White Tuft of Hair said that they do not particularly want to see Inupiats going to jail. But if that's the only way to stop the hunting, so be it, they say.

No honor in killing bears? Politically correct bullcrap.

"The Inupiat have hunted the polar bear for years, not necessarily for trophy matters but for food, and the hide itself is used for clothing materials," said Barrow Mayor Michael Stotts speaking out against the ban.

FurryFourLeggedOnes and Great White Tuft of Hair refute this. "That's the official line, that's the more politically correct line," said Great WHite Tuft of Hair. "But you know, it is natural for such things which began as a necessity to get an element of honour and valour attached to them over time. Nobody is going to be on their side if they come out and say, hey we need to kill them for our honor too, apart from food and stuff," he added.

Great White Tuft of Hair pointed to this statement by Aalak Nayakik as proof that killing polar bears is a matter of honor. Aalak Nayakik had said, "It is considered an honor in the Inupiat tradition to be able to capture and have a polar bear."

"Everyone knows we are fewer in numbers now, and life is much harder for polar bears nowadays. Even getting a good lay is a problem, the girls are as snooty as they were earlier, its like they never noticed we are an Endangered Species now. They should go a bit easy on us remaining few males," Great White Tuft of Hair concluded.






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