United Nations disbanded; Annan wears sack clothes

BY OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT, THE HAGUE
7th November, 2020

In a major setback for the United Nations, the world body today lost a case before the International Court of Justice, Hague, on a suit filed by India's Congress party. The 162-nation UN lost the case after Paul Volcker's baseless allegations naming Indian foreign minister Natwar Singh and the Congress party in the oil-for-food scam were dismissed by the International Court of Justice, The Hague.

"I apologise to the Congress party and Monsieur Natwar Singh for tarnishing their names," said UN secretary general Kofi Annan, who turned up wearing sack clothes, taking up full responsibility for the scam.

As a mark of penance, the secretary general also announced the dissolution of the world body: "Our collective mistake in wrongly blaming the Congress and Monsieur Singh can be set right only by UN disbandment," the secretary general announced.

END OF DAYS!

Mr Paul Volcker, who penned the mischievous report has been exiled to Pluto, where he will spend the next 10 years in the company of ice-eating aliens. Upon his return, he will spend 10 years each at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and the Guantanamo Bay detention Centre in Cuba.

"We are glad at the turn of events," exulted senior Congress leaders in New Delhi, adding "justice has been done." The Congress headquarters resounded with chants of "Natwar Singh Amar Rahe", followed by bursting of firecrackers. The Left Front leaders turned up at the triumphant Congress leader's residence and offered him sweets and garlands. "The CIA conspiracy to destabilise India has failed," the CPI(M) mouthpiece announced.

Meanwhile, an emergency meeting of the Bharatiya Janata Party chalked out a Mission To Pluto (codenamed Pluto Shining) to extend solidarity with the Plutonian exile. The BJP has also authorised its President-to-be to despatch a letter to NASA by registered post, proposing to sign an MoU with NASA to facilitate the interplanetary mission. (It may be remembered in this context that the BJP president will be elected only after Advani resigns on his free will. Note: This is a free country.)

Ruled the eminent judges at the International Court of Justice: "The truthfulness of Mr Volcker's claims could not be proved. However, it was conclusively proved during the trial that it was the UN who started the oil-for-fod program, which facilitated the scam. Therefore, the onus of the oil kickbacks rests solely on the UN. Since UN cannot be sentenced to death by hanging, the ICJ hereby rules that the irresponsible world body itself be disbanded."

"Besides, it has also come to the notice of this Court that the documents purportedy used by Paul Volcker to prove his claims were forged by Saddam 'Satanic' Hussein himself before the war. Saddam cooked up the evidence knowing fully well that the US will make omelet of his country soon and lay hands on sensitive documents. The documents were planted by Saddam to mislead the invaders and divide the Allied camp," the judges observed.

However, since the International Court itself is an arm of the UN, the Court cannot exist after the UN dissolution. The honourable ICJ judges have volunteered to look for alternate jobs, after supervising the dissolution process.

BY OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENT, THE HAGUE

Editor's note: We would not like to be in Annan's shoes or sack clothes. As an anticipatory measure, we have put the author of this report on a one-way flight to Vietnam, from where he will be writing on bird watching vacations. We hope his illiteracy will prevent him from the knowledge of 40 bird flu deaths in that country so far :)