Kiss Kiss Bang Bong!

Rise and whine, says our resident moral guardian. The alleged Bipasha - Cristiano Ronaldo 'kiss' has shredded the moral fabric of our beloved Nation; get your needles out to mend it!

BY KSHITIJ BISEN

12 July, 2007:

It was a sleepy Wednesday morning, well almost, inching precariously towards noon. I picked up the tabloid still groggy from a fit of hypersomnia. My cup of tea in one hand, and the tabloid in other, I parked my stupor laden behind on my bed. Already bored that I had to get up today, I desperately needed my cup of tea to do miracles. But it didn’t. Something else did.

Whoa! I jumped as my looking London talking Tokyo eye caught something in the tabloid. “Uh oh! Someone got lucky”, I thought, completely in my senses after a few jolts of jittery jiving on the bed. I beheld the big picture in front of me. Bong bombshell Bipasha with Soccer Sex God Cristiano Ronaldo in a rather dubious embrace. I must confess, at first sight, it looked like a kiss. Lucky Bipasha, and lucky Ronaldo. Hunks and divas belong together. A moment of teasing jealousy flashed in my mind.

But wait. I am not supposed to think like that at all. Hang on, let me edit my overactive, and very tactless thought process. Here goes:

Chhee chhee! What has the world come to? Bipasha Basu, blatantly kissing a foreigner? How can she even think of kissing ANYONE? She is an Indian woman, who must respect my sensibilities as an Indian moralist. What will John think? Oh forget John, how dare she display such indecency in public! Now I must do something quick. Get the word out to my fellow moralists, talk to the censor board, and get a protest going.

The Urgent Phone Call

“Hello? Mr. Deshbandh Sorcar? Leesten, I have here thees peekchur in today’s paper. It ees a keessing sceene! We mast act now. Bephore she gets away.”

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“Hallo? Oho, Mr. Kranti K Adhikari? How do you do? Yas yas, I aaslo read the newspaypar. I waas theenking on the same line. Do not whorry. I am contacting Mrs. Premleela Nadekhokar. She ees going to taalk to the Mahila Mandal phaar support.”

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“Hallo? Mrs. Premleela? Sorcar heere. I hope you have been reading today’s newspaypar? There is whery obscene photo of Bipassa Baasu. She ees keessing. We mast staap thees at whonce. She ees spoiling Indian whoman’s holy image.”

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“Hellyo? Yes Sorcar Bhau. I am reading it and each time I look at my paper, my forehead it getting a big frown. I do not like it. She is being nonsense. I am going to talk to our good friend Kurtain Kaul, who will put a curtain to that over exposing girl. I am feeling so ashamed.”

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“Hellyo? Kaul Bhau? Premleela speaking. Please look at paper today. It is carrying indecent photo of Bipasa Bai. She is acting like a total bai in it, kissing a firangi football player. I am going to my Mahila Mandal meeting in half an hour. I am addressing this dirty issue right away. Please tell your members of the Nagnata Khilafat Morcha to also protest. It is not good for the country. A loose photo of Indian woman in full full embrace is going to shake NYSE up, which will devalue the Rupee, which will throw the country in more debt. Oho, I am so tensed. Why, I must call upon our Purdahn Mantry. He must scold that lady. She needs to say sorry to the country.”

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“Haanjee Premleela ji, I read the paper. I am with you on this. I have already called an urgent meeting of my Morcha. We will be going out in the streets sometime soon. It is very bad news for the nation. What will Amreekans think? They will come here and start kissing our simple homely innocent girls. The Angrez will rule all over us again. Please let me know what your Mandal is planning. We can join forces, and show that Bong girl how much damage she has done.”

The Letter of Contempt

Respected Ms. Bipasha Basu,

It has come to our notice that you have been indulging in some indecent exposure recently. While you might know what incident we are talking about, for your convenience, let us request you to refer to your behaviour with a certain football player, namely Cristiano Ronaldo on July 11, 2007.

The said incident took place at a night club in Lisbon, Portugal. In the said incident, you were seen in compromising positions while doing the Disco dance. The proof of your irresponsible conduct in public is available in all the newspapers. We are enclosing a few cuttings for your further reference. In the photography, you are clearly seen embracing the male person in question. He is having his lips pressed to your lips. He is forcing his manhood on your Indian womanhood, you are happy to be accepting it.

Through this letter, we would like to remind you of your Indian roots. You are an Indian woman who is famous model and now famous actress. You are portraying the face of the Indian woman, who wears a humble sari. The model Indian woman is very modest in front of men of loose character. Specially, she must be much disciplined in front of male members from other cultures. You are going to convey how dignified Indian woman is, who refuses to compromise her chastity by wrongful influences of nudity from the decadent western societies. Since you are an ambassador of Indian woman, you must follow the correct protocol to depict the Indian woman.

In view of the recent cavorting you have done with a non-Indian, we demand an apology to the Indian public, who are deeply in shock of your improper portrayal of Indian values. We also demand that you immediately stop wearing saris and blouses that reveal more than your neck and arms. The Mahila Mandal has already couriered you a cargo containing petticoats which you are required to wear under your saris.

In case you fail to render an appropriate apology, our Minister for Desh Ki Izzat has legal recourse through having you to perform your item song about “Lighting the Indian Cigarette with the Liver, Darling” song.

Please reply to this urgent letter in urgency. We are anxious and outraged, and demand an explanation as soon as possible.

Thanking you

Yours sincerely

Mr. Desh Sevak Kanoongo

CMC (Consultant Manager to Chamchas) to Ministry of Desh Ki Izzat

Bipasha’s Response

"Yes, it is me in the picture,” she said. “It was taken at an opportune moment...it looks like a case of irresponsible assumptions.”

Hah! What does she think? She is going to get away with one statement? She has not seen the power of Desh ki Izzat ke Rakhwale. I am going to talk to the UNO for this International Bomb Threat from India.