Smart young software guy drives along a road in Noida. Attempts to pass a Scorpio. The Scorpio blocks his way. Four guys step out, smiling. They have to tell something to the software guy. Before he can say “Wha..?!” he is thrashed black and blue.

Cop vehicle comes by and stops right by them. As cops normally do in movies and less in real life, they jump out and grab the assailants. They seem only too willing, going with the cops with sweet smiles on their faces. At the police station, they explain that the car was trying to overtake their Scorpio – so they obviously had to beat him up.

WTF?

No WTF, according to my Northie pal. He says we Mumbaikars and Southies won’t get it. Cos in the North, and especially in Delhi, a car is not just a car. It is a person, an expression of your ego in steel, it is a family member – and woe to he who dares slight his vehicle!

Now it makes sense. A person here gets into his car to tell the world who he is. See, I am a Ford Endeavour owner – look at the size of my SUV! Or, I have a Civic, an amriki / japani upmarket car – gimme respect!

When it is not offered to him, he gets pissed. And your life is in danger.

The same thing works for almost everyone. Wondered why the Delhi driver accelerates even when there is only barely 50 kilometers of road left in front of him? Because he wants you to see his gaddi roar, and stare in awe. He would brake hard – cos the squealing brakes will startle you, and you will adore his steed.

According to Northie pal, wives are embarrassed by hubbies who drive slowly. “Gaadi chala rahe ho ya rickshaw,?” they would ask contemptuously and the insulted mard would speed up and race around. Status is restoried, and biwi is at peace.

And the blueline bus drivers. Look at the poor drivers. He is really poor – desperate, working hard – and his one source of pride is the big metal vehicle he commands. He gets rogered by the cops, the contractors, owners, and the owners of expensive cars on the streets. And then the idiot two wheeler driver cuts across his lane. Hehehe. He will brake just a second later than safe – to scare the stupid rider out of his wits, and put him in his place. And sometimes the rider is stupider than he thought, and comes under his wheels. His mistake.

Noticed the writing on the blueline buses?

• Matak Mat, Patak Doongi – Don’t bump and shove, wil flatten your arse.
• Tau ki Fauj, Karegi Mauj – my uncle’s army you fool, I will have my celebration

And more.. perhaps some reader can add more to this.

So got it, dude? Safety is for wimps – when cops enforce rules, not just the blueline driver, but entire Delhi complains in one voice, “namard bana diya yaar” (I have been made impotent!)

So don’t mess with the studs and their steeds. Stay out, stay safe. After all, if you read this, you are likely to be a wimp like me!