Why?
Did
He
Do
It?
The story is something like this: A
clean-cut boy (Ranbir Kapoor) with
annoying fringes falling over his
eyes, who thinks is charming (even the
director thinks so), but is secretly
or actually retarded, comes to a city
where the light is always blue,
prostitutes run rampant (they break in
a song and dance, and shed copious
tears if provoked), where it snows and
rains at the flick of a switch, and
all the walls have paintings from
Ajanta - Ellora caves. And yes, there
is lots of water, and an equally large
number of arch bridges and gondolas.
Anyway, the boy comes armed only with
a guitar, a golf cap worn sideways,
pearl beads hanging from his jeans,
which threaten to fall off, a
near-maniacal smile, and a beatific
expression on his face. Oh, I almost
forgot the white, transparent towel.
He is supposed to be the lead singer
at a plastic restaurant, but always
takes the singing out in the streets,
or when he has had a shower. Of
course, he finds free lodging and
boarding (breakfast, dinner and
auxiliary services included, tax free)
with an extremely old lady (Zohra
Sehgal), who had lost her son a few
decades ago, and who instantly adopts
him. Sigh.
So one fine day, he spots a tall
girl with artificial curls (Sonam
Kapoor) on one of the arch bridges,
holding an embroidered umbrella, clad
in black, shedding a tear or two.
Since he is such a good boy (Jesus
himself smiles upon him), he
immediately goes to her rescue and
offers to escort her back to her house
(since the streets are running amok
with drunkards, and bad characters and
such like). Tall girl makes a stupid
face, sheds another tear, and breaks
into a large grin, which threatens to
turn into a sneeze, and agrees to this
holy offer.
On his way back, good boy realizes
he has fallen madly in love with tall
girl, and breaks into a song, making
exaggerated movements (smartly
avoiding the drool) with his limbs
till you think the poor boy suffers
from acute epilepsy. He declares to
all and sundry that he has fallen
hard, and would not rest till he makes
her his. Wow bravo.
In the meanwhile, the lead prostitute
(Rani Mukherji) has secretly fallen in
love with good boy, and appears
randomly without warning. She wears a
transparent sari with a low cut
blouse, tries to chew paan;
gives up, and keeps it in her mouth
instead. She is sort of concerned
about the juvenile love, and warns
good boy every now and then. Since
good boy is in the forever love type
of mode, he ignores her.
Tall girl has had a love affair
with a mysterious man (Salman Khan)
who was a tenant in her house. This
man wears a woolen skullcap, covers
himself in a shawl, has a perpetual
scowl on his face, and wears soorma
in his eyes. In other words, he is a
loser who works for the government
(mysterious again), and has a
dangerous job. He falls in love with
her anyway, and promises to come back
next year on the auspicious full moon
day (Ramadan), which is just a
few days away (I think, since the
atomic clock was far away, and I
forgot to take out my binoculars in
time).
The story drags on, good boy sings a
song clad only in his white towel
(which falls off a couple of times),
sings another song, and keeps
professing his undying love to false
curls. False curls in turn, makes
excuses, and keeps waiting for the
mysterious man. On the eve of Ramadan,
good boy sings a disco like song at
the masjid and all the devotees
join him with practiced moves.
Finally, mysterious man returns,
mumbles something which possibly means
“do you like bad boys baby?” to false
curls, and off they fade to the world
of unexplained and unknown. Good boy
is left alone, in tears, but he starts
shadowboxing since that is his was of
dealing with sadness. End of story.
I am not against the concept of
shooting an entire film in a set. Raj
Kapoor did that with almost all his
earlier movies, and so did the others
from that era. But those were
desperate times, and budgets were low.
Saawariya is shot entirely in a
set. Yes, the set design is beautiful,
the colors very rich, and every frame
look almost like a watercolor
painting, as expected in most Sanjay
Leela Bhansali movies. I’ll give them
that. Even the cinematography is
beautiful, and breathtaking. Apart
from that, there is not a single
moment in the film which makes you sit
up and notice.
The actors in the
movie don’t even deserve a single word
of praise, save for Zohra Sehgal who
is her usual charming self. Out of the
two newcomers, Sonam Kapoor is the
better one, and she just might get
better with age. As for the over-eager
Ranbir Kapoor, I have two words: Don’t
Bother. He was better of assisting
directors or producers, or whatever it
is that he did before he starred in
this outrage.
Sadly, this movie is
the most over-hyped, over-budgeted
disappointments of this year. I’d
rather watch the monstrosity called
Aap Ka Suroor. Just because.
‘nuff said.
