Review: Speed

I knew what I was getting into when I saw the posters of Speed a couple of weeks ago. I was actually dreading it, but then decided I will watch it in a non-multiplex situation (since watching Go in a similar situation was a revealing experience), and I went ahead and did just that. So for half the price (as compared to a multiplex) I squeezed myself between a generous sized middle-aged man, and a young boy with a frazzled cap. And from the moment the credits started rolling, I knew there was no turning back (hopelessly so).

The story goes something like this – Sanjay Suri is a local MI6 (I faintly remember reading that this particular organization does not exist) section head married to Urmila Matondkar who is a science teacher, and with a kid whose only identity is that he carries a spider man schoolbag. Aftab Shivdasani is a rogue Indian agent who has plans to knock off the Indian Prime minister, and since he doesn’t want to do it himself, he hatches a convoluted plan to kidnap the MI6 wife, and persuade the MI6 gent to do it. On the other hand, Zayed Khan (Of the Zayeda Khan fame) is on a trip to London to woo an overweight Tanushree Dutta who is his girlfriend with a cheap looking Teddy (They even sing an embarrassing song in the streets of London).

In the meanwhile, Urmila Matondkar is kidnapped, brought into a run-down Goondon ka Adda, guarded by very country-looking goondas, and thrown into a large cellar. This cellar previously had a phone, but it was smashed by the bad guys. Madame Urmila (since she is a science teacher and all) manages to make the phone work, and the first accidental call goes out to Zayeda Khan. After some persuasion, Zayeda agrees to help her – he can’t
disconnect the call though, since it was a fluke call. So start a series of events (unfortunately copied frame to frame), and soon Zayeda is in the thick of things. So is his overweight girlfriend.

And if kidnapping MI6's wife wasn’t enough, the bad men decide to kidnap the spider man bag yielding kid as well. Zayeda tries to intervene, but fails
and follows it anyhow. After some badly executed gimmicks, Zayeda manages to free both mother and child (with the help of chubby girlfriend who also lands up at the adda), realizes it is all a part of a big plan to assassinate the Indian Prime Minister, and off he goes to save the day.

I have a lot to say about Aftab Shivdasani –he is ugly, and he needs to wipe that disgusting grin off his face. Also, he should stop thinking of himself as a character from any of the John Woo movies. He tries to do a Chow Yun Fat, but just manages the fat part. Also, his hairpiece is a mystery throughout the movie. It floats approximately 4.6 inches above his head, tilts to one side inexplicably (and makes him look like a very emaciated, very ugly lion), and threatens to fall off. In short, he looks like a very chubby middle-aged woman with bad hair, and thick stubble. Also, he sports a cheap camel hair trench coat and sunglasses, drops a lopsided grin, and walks like he owns the earth. What he looks like is a wannabe well-fed rag picker.

I have not much to say about Zayed Khan, except that he looks feminine and juvenile. Add a little mascara, and he can be the next teen queen. And, oh yes, he has similar hair issues as of Mr. Shivdasani.

Urmila Matondkar should quit.

Sophia Choudhary should cover herself up as quickly as she can. Whatever she wears looks like a straightjacket. And I never want to see her as a vamp for the rest of my life.

Same goes for Tanushree Dutta except for the vamp part. I am partial to chubby vamps – she’ll prove to be a nice Manorama in the coming years, you’ll see.

Sanjay Suri should read the script before getting into a mess like this. The guy is sincere, but fails to do anything because there was nothing to do to
start with anyway.

First off, an Indian as Intelligence head in a foreign country? Ok, even if it is so, does he have to drive an Aston martin (or something on the same lines) AND live in a nice suburban villa? I believe London is a horribly expensive place to live, isn’t it? Also, in the climax scene, when he is given a guitar case with a sniper rifle in it is hilarious. The sniper rifle turns out to be nothing but a 12-gauge shotgun mounted with a telescope. I mean, cool looking guns are fine, but then be accurate when you are making a spy caper!

Technically, the movie could have been ok, if the editor was not trying to do a Tarantino (split screens). The music is not even hummable, and the lip-syncing in the songs are out of sync. The setting in the movie is supposedly London, but I caught ample glimpses of our own Powai, and Goregoan Film City. Of course, there were plenty of people happy to see a camera, and wave cheerily throughout the movie, tense situations notwithstanding. Also, there are numerous continuity and logical issues, which are becoming a norm with all Vikram Bhatt movies.

Frankly, I’d be happy to stay home with The complete collected episodes of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan with Arun Govil in it. At least the story is authentic.

‘nuff said.