Review: Kaisa Mera Daag hai!

Frankly, I had no expectations from Laaga Chunri Mein Daag when I landed up at the cinema hall. I was dimly aware that it is a women-oriented movie with four heroines - Rani Mukherjee, Konkona Sen Sharma, Kunaal Kapoor, and Junior Bachchan - and guess what, there were.

Apart from that, the fact that it is a Yash Raj film also added to my indifference. And predictably, the crowds were large (I even spotted a few couples sporting the LCMD logo on their T-shirts which left me gaping), and I was prepared to a lot of family-type moments in the movie. Which I got.

Vibhawari (Rani Mukerji: I shall reserve the comments for later) and Shubhavari (Konkona Sen shama) live with their parents (Anupam Kher and Jaya Bachchan) in a crumbling disputed property (a gigantic haveli), which looks over the Ganges and gives us some nice shots of the ghats. Jaya mommy sews blouses and petticoats to run the household. They are also pestered every now and then by the grouchy father’s evil brother and his son (Tinu Anand and Sushant Singh). In short, their life is miserable, and they look forward to making it better. One day, things get out of hand; the father gets a near fatal stroke and Vibhawari decides to go to Mumbai to become the son he never had, and make some money.

To this point, I had no issues with LCMD. It was well shot, although I have never seen a cleaner Benaras in my entire life. Also, it seems to me that all the people in Benaras have one goal in mind: take a running dive in the Ganges every now and then.

Anyway, Vibhawari lands up in Mumbai, and takes shelter with some girl who had visited the haveli for a film shoot, which never happened. She runs from pillar to post, but cannot find a job since she is under-educated. Finally, she meets a lecherous call center boss (Harsh Chhaya - how come all the horny men work as call-center bosses?), who makes her the indecent offer: sleep with him, and the job is hers. She agrees to it after much thought, sleeps with him, and doesn’t get the job. A disheartened Vibha wants to go back to Benaras, but is stopped by another ‘friend’ who suggests that she hold her fort, and play the game on her own terms by becoming a high-class prostitute (!!?). A jaw-clenching Vibha agrees.

This was the part, which left me completely baffled. How does this come into being? It almost looked like the ‘friend’ (Suchitra Pillai: she is back to doing what she does best – playing the scorned woman) was waiting for the ‘daag’ to happen so she could turn the bholi-bhaali Vibha into a seductress. How did she think of THAT? Is she herself a high-class escort? Or is she the madam? This is never ever explained anywhere.

The next thing we know, Vibha becomes Natasha, starts living in a sea-facing penthouse, is on phone constantly with her architects, moves around in a chauffer-driven Mercedes, has more money than she can hold on to, enough money so she can pull out the family from the mouth of poverty, and pay her blackmailing first cousin (who by then has realized that she is up to no good). All of the above happens like clockwork, without any glitch – all the clients are nice to her, there are no pimps or madams, and she is always looking like a million dollars.

The Grouchy father becomes proud father, and goes around mouthing phrases like “yeh to mera beta hai”. Oh yes, she meets the junior Bachchan on a trip to Switzerland (where else? It’s a Yash Raj Production) who is smitten by her the moment they meet.

Anyway, her younger sister who has now got a job as a trainee with some ad agency, which looks suspiciously like the TOI office, joins Vibha. She is obviously blissfully unaware of her sister’s profession, and happily goes around falling in love with the girl-like Vivaan (Kunal Kapoor), and gets proposed to after a song and a kiss. This is when the cover is blown, and the younger sister comes to know of her sister’s sinister profession. After a tearful outburst, all is well. Naturally, she wants her sister to come to her wedding back home. The wedding happens, amongst more tears and emotional outbursts (thankfully not melodramatic), AB junior turns out to be Vivaan’s elder brother, and both brothers get married in the same mandap. End of story.

As I said earlier, I had no expectations from this movie, since it’s a Yash Raj movie, and they mostly make high-melodrama-chocolate-mush kind of cinema. This movie is not so different from the other movies – everyone is smiling or crying hysterically, the streets and houses are spotlessly clean, and everyone is well behaved – even the goons. The only slight difference here is the lack of high drama, which is a relief. Jaya Bachchan for once is in her element, and gives a nice enough performance. Rani Mukherjee does what she is supposed to do – look ultra shabby in the first half, and ultra glamorous in the second, and fill those brown eyes with tears when required. Konkona Sen is just about ok – she is clearly not cut out for the song-and-dance routine. Her stereotypical sweetness-and-light kind of performance is beginning to grate.

Abhishek Bachchan is a name, which has always intrigued me. Why does he exist? I mean, why does he bother? He tries to look cultured, but comes across as a mongrel from rural Rohtak, and when he stands, he is always unsure about what to do with his hands. When he dances, his long limbs go in all directions, like a frenzied Doberman in pursuit. And of course, he thinks he is the next gangsta star. Oh, and did I say he is a tad womanly too?

Kunal Kapoor should consider either a haircut and shave, or a sex change. The guy simply looks beautiful; the only thing missing there is kohl and a backless choli. But I did say there are four heroines in the movie.

I personally don’t have many issues with the movie. Hell, I’ll even say its one of the better movies Yash Raj has made till date. It could have been even better if they had taken care of the following points:

1. Please bear in mind Benaras is not only about paan ki peek, halwai ki jalebi, and Ganga mein dubki. I am sure people of Benaras will agree.

. Leave a little space for realism. Things don’t happen all of a sudden. There is something called TIME.

3. Escorts may be well paid people, but they don’t live in 4-bedroom penthouses, have chauffer-driven cars, AND wear transparent saris with their hair decked up like the poor tower of Pisa.

4. Bombay is a DIRTY city, please remember that.

And yes, lastly, I could have done without looking at an aged Hema Malini, wearing a few kilos of gold around her, and swirling with such gusto it threatened to bring the house down. I really could have.

‘nuff said.