I had no freaking clue what this movie
was all about when I decided I was
going to watch it. I did know that
this was supposed to be a supernatural
caper, something that had to do with
foeticide. I also knew that it had the
talented Mr. Atul Kulkarni, and the
somewhat ok Ms. Rituparna Sengupta.
What I really did not know is that it
would have an irritating, screaming,
obnoxious, and utterly
smash-my-face-against-the-wall-till-it-explodes
kid, who would be the main lead in the
movie. If I had any inkling of this, I
would have sprawled myself on the
floor, with a rented copy of Ramsay
brother’s Samri or Bandh
Darwaza.
Sudeep A.K.A Deepu (Atul Kulkarni,
extremely BAD) is a so-called
builder/architect/someone who passes
off WindowsTm screensavers as his
models, and lives with his wife Roshni
A.K.A Rushu ( Rituparna Sengupta, with
an extremely high-pitched and annoying
wail which she passes off as her
voice, and blinks too many times while
speaking) and an obnoxious child with
super-curly hair, with an uncanny
quality of getting on your nerves
every time she is on-screen, which is
all the time. They would have lived
happily ever after, and married their
daughter off, and died in oblivion,
but then this masterpiece wouldn’t
have been made, and I wouldn’t be
writing this. So we shall move on and
see this through.
One fine day, during a supposed
100-meter race, the obnoxious child
(otherwise known as Shivani) falls
down flat on her face. We are shown an
unknown/unidentified power kicking her
in the butt hard (surprisingly though,
we see a palm print on her back, which
dissipates sneakily). Rushumommy is
extremely worried, takes her home, and
throws a tantrum because Deepupapa is
always busy, and does not care about
the family and all that. After some
really unconvincing kiss-and-make-up,
we are shown Rushumommy’s bare back,
and Deepupapa panting, and all is
well. Mommy decides they are going to
Mauritius. Papa complains that it is
too expensive. Obnoxious child demands
that they go to their ancestral home.
After some more natakbaazi, the
parents agree, and they drive down to
their doom.
The ancestral home (thankfully) has
no dark corners and creaky windows
because it has a caretaker who is not
old. So, the family somewhat settles
down, and another bout of lovemaking
(dry humping this time) ensues. All
this while, obnoxious child is rolling
her eyes, and smiling mysteriously.
And generally looking demented. The
next day, in broad daylight, the child
disappears and re-appears while on a
swing; with the swing, giving her poor
mommy a good scare. When she does
re-appear, it is with a delirious
smile, and a retarded look. The
hapless parents pick her up and tuck
her in bed, and night automatically
follows.
The same night, she gives another
scare to papa when she suddenly
appears from behind the refrigerator,
while she was supposed to be snoring
like a cow in her bed. While papa
looks at her in half-horror and
half-confusion, he notices a shadow
pass by. His heart in mouth, papa
follows the shadow, only to find
bloody footprints all over the floor
(He screams so hard in this scene,
that his moustache hair, along with my
hair stood on their ends). The scream
wakes up the mommy, and together they
follow them to the bathtub, where they
find dear obnoxious daughter sitting
(which brings out another
blood-curdling scream out of them).
And finally we are introduced to
the reason for all this hocus-pocus:
it is the ghost of the unborn baby;
which the parents aborted, which was
conceived in that very bathtub, who
would have been called Gauri, and
which now, wants revenge. This is when
the interval happens, with the
celebrated born/un-born child, with
her hair flying in all directions,
looking fixedly at the camera.
This provided some relief to the
stunned audience, and everyone took a
short break to call up their enemies,
urging them to watch this amazing
piece of cinematic magic.
Unfortunately, it was short lived.
With the secret of the unborn now
revealed, the parents are forced to
live in constant fear, since the
unborn has promised them that she’ll
take away obnoxious child with her, to
wherever she came from. They often
utter dialogues like “ hume apni hi
beti se darr lag raha hai” (we are
scared of our own goddamned
demented/obnoxious child), and look
worried, sweaty, and filthy. The
unborn is a mischievous character, and
she often creates hallucinations,
which result in her parents making
stupid faces, and screaming like
retarded monkeys.
Finally, mommy calls the estranged
grandpa (Anupam Kher looking like he
had an ongoing migraine at the time)
of both born and unborn. He comes,
re-recites his dialogues (from the
past) about children being the gift of
god and how wrong was it to have that
abortion and so on, and how the
parents should ask for forgiveness
from the unborn. The guilty parents
shake their heads solemnly, and do
exactly that.
The next thing we know, obnoxious
child is transported to the top of a
waterfall, and the parents are
scrambling to her rescue. Another set
of dialogues is exchanged between the
now-emotional-not-scared-anymore
parents, and the soul of the unborn is
seen departing to heaven, leaving
obnoxious one in their arms. They even
promise the departed that she can come
visit them anytime, and bring a friend
or two. In the final scene, we once
again see the unborn, this time in her
soul format, wispy and cloud-like
slipping in between the sleeping
parents, who in turn make space for
her willingly. End of the twisted
story, and everyone lives happily ever
after.
Gauri or Gabri as it should be
rightfully pronounced (because it
sounds more low-budget) should be
watched only if you are going through
an advanced stage of constipation,
and/or you don’t love yourself. Right
from the start to the finish, the
movie suffers from low production
values, bad acting by all and sundry
(save for the caretaker of the house
who did fairly well, knowing that this
was a sunken ship already), and a
half-hearted attempt by the director
if indeed there was one. The dialogues
are unintentionally funny, and the
camera angles are all wrong. The
biggest reason NOT to see this movie
is that it features that horrible kid
(in the title role) from the Pears
advertisement. She has the following
lines:
“MAMMMEEEEE”
“MAMMMEEEEE”
“Mammeee, aaj mela eggjam hai…..aur…
aapka…
chehla…
mele liye…
LUCKY HAI!!
‘nuff said.
