I said somewhere in my earlier reviews that Mela was possibly the worst movie I ever saw. It still is, since it took me a good five years to finish watching it. Then I thought about Gauri: The Unborn, and nodded my head in negative, because I remembered there was at least one character (housekeeper) in the movie that at least put in an effort. There were other gems I came across over the last few months – Speed, Saawariya to name some, but not a single one of these comes close to the monstrosity/atrocity/Lemur-fart called Rama Rama Kya Hai Drama. The only one thing I wanted to do (the moment it started) was to shut my eyes close, and wish it away like a really bad dream. But no, there are some mistakes you can’t undo. This was one of them.

The story is about a…wait, there is no story here. It is something, which was churned out during a grueling council meeting of the dreaded members of the infamous Dheeraj Kumar gang. The script, if there was indeed one, was a result of continuous, and rigorous watching of illustrious TV serials like Adaalat, Sansaar, and Kahan Gaye Woh Log, which, needless to say, is absolutely mesmerizing.

What would you do, if you go watch a movie, against your best judgment, and the movie in turn, starts with a song where the opening lines are “It’s funny”? And that too, in a Punjabi rok way? On top of it, you put a nagging dwarf (sorry to use this word, but its nothing short of apt here), a raging queen with upturned eyebrows, a nymphomaniac who obviously has an alliance with characters of dubious repute, and a girl with a pretty face, but with a paunch which bounces with her in the same song sequence? Absolute, unadulterated delight!!!

Santosh (Rajpal Yadav, who I want to put in a 2ft x 2ft wooden box, secure it with admantium nails, and throw it in the deepest nallah I can find) is a bank cashier, who lives in an impossibly big house, and is recently married to Shanti (Neha Dhupia, pretty, but she needs to do something about that paunch, and the frequent expression which says that she just has had a bowl of three-day-old-kadhi). The couple fights a lot, and Santosh is perpetually pissed off, and sits with a sullen face at the cash counter.

Prem (Aashish Choudhary, he should realize he would look much better in a frilly frock, and pink ribbons, because of the way his voice often modulates itself to reveal his stronger feminine side, raises his eyebrows till his eyeballs threaten to fall out, and has a constant expression on his face which defines the predictability of stupidity) is the manager in the same bank, and is married to Khushi. Khushi (Amrita Arora), who should be shut in the same wooden box as Mr. Yadav, with Mr. Yadav still in it, and dragged alongside the nallah before hauling it in, looks like there is an internal struggle with her nasal muscles and her cheeks, has an unbelievably shrill voice, and had delusions of being the next Mumtaaz.

Prem is as harried as Santosh, since his wife wants him to prove that he really loves her. Oh, and they have matching moles on their faces, just to add to the cuteness.

Mr. Khurana (Anupam Kher, who is gonna be the next Mithun, since he has been coming in movies like this for a very long time now, which I suspect is strictly for making money for the acting school he runs, looks dazed and abused, and often gives you the impression that he is actually enjoying it, in a screwed-up way) is married to Mrs. Khurana.

Mr. and Mrs. Khurana (Rati Agnihotri with push-up bras at her age, and a freshly painted face without which she would scare the hell out of you) are blissfully happy since god-knows how many years. They are supposed to bring some stability in the already fucked up plot, but end up doing nothing of that sort, and sleepwalk throughout their lines.

Santosh is, as I said, perpetually pissed-off at his wife (for no reason whatsoever), and vice versa (for no reason whatsoever) and I really was trying to figure out the reason, but could not find even one. He often fantasizes about being in different situations with different women (in an extremely down-market version of Mungeri Lal Ke Haseen Sapne type of situation, and this version would be strictly played on Aastha channel in Kenya) and gets in trouble for that.

Along the way, he encounters chauvinistic situations which he revels in, along with all his co-stars, suddenly breaks into a jig which makes you want to grab a chair and hit very hard on his head, and tries to look like the lead actor (which he indeed is). This couple is frequently consulting with the equally annoying Khurana couple, and the plot just does not go anywhere.

Similarly, Prem lives in a ridiculously big house with a pool and a well-manicured lawn, and is constantly nagged by his over-affectionate wife, but still loves her to death anyway (any person in such situation would rather face the barrel side of a .357 instead), since this is supposed to be very cute. He also gifts her a marble Taj Mahal (of the kind you often find on the road-side) on their wedding day, since it symbolizes what love is all about, and is so cute like having a Mini Mouse tattoo on your bum-cheek, and is rightfully ridiculed by the wife. The story still refuses to budge.

Anyway, after many supposed twists and turns, the movie somehow ends. Along the way, are treated to two unnecessary songs. One song is shot in the retro-feel that is so much in vogue these days, but doesn’t do much except reveal Neha Dhupia’s thunderous thighs, and her bouncing belly-bulk.

The other song is a party song we have so often seen in movies like Khudgarz, and other movies from the same era. In this particular song, a couple dances with a lot of extras, and the other artistes look on, often in a circle with drinks in their hands, always in suits which are a size too big for all of them, and in ridiculous colors (pink, blood red?!), slyly talking among themselves, and ends up with one of the characters getting drunk and misbehaving at the end of the song. These add absolutely no value to the movie.

The direction (Chandrakant Singh) is non-existent, as if the Director simply told the actors (?) to get in front of the camera and do their own stuff. The actors of course complied, and did their best rendition of The Walking Dead. The camerawork is downright shoddy, with main characters mostly out of focus, and cheap, mostly focusing on women’s undergarments and sweaty armpits. The movie does not have a cinematographer, period. And lastly, needless to say, its shamelessly low budget.

So if you love yourself please don’t watch this movie. Watch it only, and only if you have a death wish, and you fantasize about self-asphyxiation on a routine basis.

Still, if you are a B-movie junkie, I urge you to rent copies of Mela and Maine Pyar Kiya back-to-back. At least this way, it won’t be fatal.

‘nuff said.