Marigold movie review: As B-grade as it gets

I I recommend this movie to die-hard B movie fans only. Or the ‘we-love-salman-khan-no-matter-if-he-stutters-through-all-his-lines-Gold-Club members. Going by the promos, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the movie, but I went ahead and watched it anyway for cheap thrills. I should have watched ‘Buddha Mar Gaya’ instead; I hear it has cheaper thrills.

I have no idea why all directors who come from the West try to make Indian actors speak in that distinctive Indian accent. Haven’t they heard of something called the ‘neutral accent’? Every Indian character you come across in movies such as these, speaks English as if they are reciting it verbatim from an invisible screen. Everyone seems to be mystical, serenely wise, in tune with all of Deepak Chopra’s books, rattling off verses from the Mahabharata or the Rig-Veda at the drop of a hat, and have extremely strong Indian traditional values. All this is indeed very flattering, and it does give me an inferiority complex every time I watch a ‘Hindu’ movie. And it makes me want to go to the nearest wall, and bang my head bloody. Marigold, directed by Willard Carroll, is one such movie.

The film starts with the sorry premise (actually it starts with Salman dancing to the tune of an insipid song, but that is not important) of an out-of-work-but-with-a-bad-attitude sleazy movie heroine called Marigold (Ali Larter) getting a contract for another sleaze-fest called Kamasutra III, and boarding a flight to India (remember Bollywood Calling?) The New Jersey (or wherever the hell she lives) airport is naturally mysteriously empty as she arrives at the boarding counter; she cooks up a really sad (dialogues obviously inspired by Gigli XXVI) story and finally boards the flight. The print of this entire sequence is visibly old, and out-of-date. Also, Ali Larter looks much younger and in-shape, as compared to the rest of the movie.

She finally lands at the Mumbai airport, gets picked up by a beedi-smoking-attitude-throwing-autowallah (Viren Hirji, overacting), and tells him to take her to Goa. WHY she takes a cab, instead of taking another flight, after a 12 hour journey in an airplane is anyone’s guess. Anyway, she gets dropped wherever she was supposed to be dropped, meets the production assistant (Suchitra Pillai, for once she does not play the scorned woman) and finds out that the movie has been dropped. She picks up the cell-phone, rapidly punches numbers on it (hasn’t she been introduced the concept of the in-built address book?) gets through after the first ring, and gets fired by her agent. The assistant takes pity on her, and offers to drive her back to Mumbai in her open-top red jeep.

On their way to Bombay, they naturally drive through a beach, where a shooting is in progress; Marigold is spotted by the Director (Rakesh Bedi, OK types), and is offered a role on the spot, much to the delight of the horny superstar Raj (Vikas Bhalla, nevermind) and the Choreographer (!!) Prem (guess who?) She accepts it, of course, and the real story begins.

Prem is a talented (?) choreographer, a good boy, extremely spiritual, and a psychic. He also speaks Hindi and English in a mysterious mumble which is neither American, British, or even Hinglish, is completely incomprehensible, but funny nonetheless. I, along with the other viewers, did not understand a single word of what he said throughout the movie, but mostly guessed the dialogue anyhow. Anyway, Prem offers to teach dancing to a distraught Marigold, mouths brilliant dialogues like “feel the music in you, and let it guide you” in his mumble, and wins over the poor Gori and even manages to kiss her. The fact that he is the wayward son of a Rajah also helps a lot in the winning over process.

Well, Prem and Marigold go to his palace in Jodhpur for his sister’s wedding, and meet the parents (Vijayendra Ghatge and Kiran Juneja – Yawn.) Perm’s unofficial fiancé (Nandana Sen, curly wurly, with a terrible bong accent) comes back, so does Marigold’s boyfriend, and after a terribly boring and predictable misunderstanding, Prem gets married to Marigold, and they live happily ever after. End of movie.

Throughout the movie, Salman’s hairstyle undergoes dramatic changes. In the beginning of the movie, we see him with his latest Elvisque’ puff. After half an hour, we see him in his Hum Dil de Chuke Sanam avatar, a close crop in one scene, and the puff again, two minutes later. Also, as I mentioned earlier, the accent/mumble is so strange, you really don’t understand anything that comes out of his mouth. The only words comprehensible in the movie were “Mujey tumsey piyaar hai”, only because it is in Hindi. He also looks doped out and terribly bored (and orgasmic when he is doing his so-called choreography). Well, he ends up being the comic relief in the movie, so I am not complaining.

Ali Larter on the other hand, was a delight to watch in several scenes. Something tells me she is intelligent, and has a quirky sense of humor, and she did this movie only for the heck of it. She manages to act, and look pretty (though some shots of her were very unflattering, and made her look like a man), but I’d rather watch her on Secret Beaches on Discovery Channel.

The rest of the cast is a disaster (they provide you with absolutely nothing; its called no-value-add in corporate lingo) save for Suchitra Pillai, but she doesn’t have many lines. Gulshan Grover also features in the movie as Salman’s bodyguard, and has only one dialogue in the movie – NO.

Rakesh Bedi is forgettable except for one scene where he says “Oh shiTTT” in a pure Delhi accent. A heavily made up Helen also makes an appearance, and says something in an Anglo accent, which is difficult to follow. Overall, the movie has very low production values, and the music sucks big time. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy are surprisingly disappointing, considering they were music directors for movies like Kal Ho Naa Ho, Bunty Aur Babli, and Dil Chahta Hai.

Marigold is an extremely "miss-able" affair, and should be watched only if you are a sick-f@#k like me who takes immense pleasure out of watching people make complete morons of themselves on screen. Don’t waste your money, you can catch it soon in the Sunday Hinglish movies category on Star One.