Ok, I will start this review by saying that watch this movie ONLY if you have plenty of time, patience, restraint, and with all of these above, a soft plastic brick with which you can knock yourself out, at any given point of time. For, the movie is more than three hours long and you feel every minute of it!

I will admit that I had anticipated that before I decided to watch Jodhaa Akbar, but I had to watch it anyway, since it is one of the biggest releases this year. I knew that since this is an Ashutosh Gowarikar movie, it would be long. I also knew that due to this very same reason, it would have unnecessary songs, at inopportune moments. And I also knew that Aishwarya Rai was the lead actress. And I still went, so I have no reason to crib.

The story is simple, and straightforward actually. In a time of internal political struggle, Akbar (Hritihik Roshan, flares his nostrils a bit too much, and sometimes oozes a girl-like charm, but overall does justice to the role) is the ruler of all of Hindustan. All? Yes, all save for the Rajputanas (Mewar, Dungarpur, Jodhpur, Bikaner, and Alwar to name a few), since they are fierce fighters, and will not yield. But even though they stand united, there is a great divide. The states mostly fight for superiority, and the Rajputana aan, baan and shaan.

The king of Amber, Raja Bharmal (Kulbhushan Kharbanda, very constipated, and unintentionally funny, since he has a thick punjabi accent, and makes impromptu pauses while the dialogue delivery) is in a fix, since all the other Rajahs have refused to have anything to do with him (because he is double-minded whether he should buy into the Mughal philosophy or not.) So he approaches Akbar, and makes him a deal – If Akbar marries his daughter Jodhaa (Aishwarya Rai. No, she cannot act, her ass is too big for her frame, and she is rigid throughout her fight scenes) – he will pledge his allegiance to him.

After some thought, Akbar agrees, and with much fanfare, marries the daughter. The daughter comes with her own set of demands – Mr. Akbar must not force her to change her religion, and she be allowed to build a tiny shrine/temple in the Mughal fort. Mr. Akbar agrees to this as well, and now they will lead a happy life. No? Oh wait, they are just married, and don’t have sex right then. So, the movie must drag on.

There is a certain Maham Anga ( Ila Arun, with rotten teeth glaring on-screen, but is overall good, with her menacing expressions throughout. Another interesting this about her name, is that it is pronounced mahamanga in the movie for some reason, making her sound like an extremely screwed up manga character) who was Akbar’s wet nurse, and now holds a powerful position in his court. She doesn’t like Jodhaa one wee bit, and makes trouble for her every now and then. Her son also pops up every now and then to claim the throne (and eventually brutally killed by the Big A himself), and they are a generally evil family, for no reason whatsoever.

Jordaar Akbar, Thakeli Jodha

Aishwarya Rai cannot act, and never will, and should realize that now. She is totally miscast in the movie, is a big letdown, and they could have easily incorporated some fresh faces, or the very beautiful Chitrangadha Singh (from Hazaaron Khwaishe Aisi), but the thought never occurred to them, apparently.

Secondly, if were are to believe the Karni Rajputs (check out the news channels), and I have every reason to believe them, Jodha Bai was never married to Akbar, but his son Salim. If this indeed is true, this is a big, big factual error. Secondly, she was not the daughter of Raja Bharmal, but of Motaraja Udai Singh of Marwar. So if the Rajputs are up in arms against it, it’s justified.

Apart from that, there are many unnecessary moments in the movie. Like the entire city breaking into a synchronized song and dance to praise the Big A. Or the darbaar-e-aam, where Akbar used to hold court for the common Junta. Firstly, even if the court was from the common man, the common man could not come within 150 paces from the Emperor. This is a fact, which holds true not only for the Mughals, or the Indian Kings, but also as far as China, and Japan.

Similarly, the Hindu women would stay in the zenana (Muslim women, in janan-e-khas), and especially when a visiting non-family member was around. They were zealously guarded in both cases. In this case, it’s the Mughal Emperor, happily peering into ghoongats in a gathering of women. True, he doesn’t exactly do that in the movie, but is in close groping quarters, which is technically wrong. While making such a magnum opus, one should have really taken into consideration such facts. Ours is a sensitive country, and it doesn’t take long for people to take offence for issues like such.

Still, Jodhaa Akbar is decent cinema that stands out only because of its production values. The cinematography is excellent. The set design is fairly authentic and well researched. The songs of the movie are so-so, except Azeem-O-Shaan Shahenshah, which has the Sufi quawalli sound, and is easy on the ears, and is very well shot indeed. The choreography, including the action is brilliantly executed, largely. Except for the really close shots where you can actually make out the false beards, and bad or hastily put make-up.

Refer to the first paragraph, for the parting shot.

‘nuff said.