Heyy Babyy review: base comedy

28 August, 2007

It’s easy to make rip-offs these days. All you have to do is Indianize the story somewhat, shoot it at foreign locales, hire some foreign ‘talent’, throw in a couple of booty-shakers, a couple of sentimental songs, smart but not-so-witty lines, pretty bimbettes who do nothing but flash ample amounts of cleavage and pout till you think they are going to hurl, heroes who have Mickey Mouse jobs with no substance but are rich, and a ‘cute’ moment in the tale towards the end, and you got it. Heyy Babyy, directed by first-time director Sajid Khan, falls into this very category.

Why do all the characters in such movies have to be rich and firmly ensconced in a foreign land? And when you are rich in a Hindi movie, you don’t stop at just being rich. Naturally, they have to have a pool, a house which looks like a health spa, chauffer driven cars, (of course they call the driver ‘driver’), discreet looking butlers who of course have been flown in from London, and if all that is not enough, a private jet. And why does the owner have to be a blithering fool, who goes completely bonkers during anytime in the movie? And what the hell does he do for a living? We are never told, and we never will know. Oh, and why all the marriages in the movie HAVE to be Punjabi!?

Anyway, back to the plot. Heyy Babyy is about three horny men - Arush (Akshay Kumar, he does need to do something about that gummy smile), Eddie (Ritesh Deshmukh, the only watch able character in the movie, if not the most loveable), and Al (Fardeen Khan, someone please tell him he resembles a potato sack, AND he should NOT act). The three men have only one goal (wow), to bed as many women as they can. They all live together in a swanky house in Sidney, and hold questionable jobs. Arush is the manager of a nightclub, Eddie plays the bear in children’s parties and amusement parks, and Al I am not sure. (Since their professions are declared in the beginning in the movie, and you never see anyone doing their jobs but Eddie, but that is simply because of his costume.)

The film opens with the title song by the same name, and we see these ‘studs’ singing, dancing, ogling openly at a lot of women, spanking their bottoms, rubbing their crotches against them, even trying to disrobe them and pour champagne all over them. The women don’t seem to mind one bit; instead they flutter their eyelashes and make orgasmic faces.

Cut to the next day where our mighty heroes are snoring in the arms of semi-naked white women when the doorbell rings and they are horrified to find a baby girl at their doorstep, with a note that says something to the effect that “its your daughter and you gotta take care of her now.” The heroes are naturally quite shaken by this and an unfunny debate ensues about “who’s your daddy baby” in a sequence which goes on forever and ends only after the baby starts crying. Our heroes quickly establish that the baby is hungry and they need to feed her. So a quick trip to the supermarket is made. (To buy baby food of course, but the camera misses that and pans to Huggies, Pampers, etc.)

AK (Akshay Kumar) encounters a pair of mammoth mammaries (proudly displayed), gets slapped for indecent questioning, discovers that ‘nipples’ aren’t necessarily always a part of anatomy, and gets back with a truckload of baby food supplies among favorite biscuits for his friends (!!!).

The baby keeps them awake all night, and our heroes get busy with changing nappies, feeding the baby, and taking short frequently interrupted naps. The entire five-minute scene is repetitive, and I confess I did sneak in a quick nap myself. The audience loved all of this, and a lot of thighs were slapped.

A new strategy is planned, and they make lists of all the women they have slept over the last one year (it is also revealed that they don’t mind sharing their women), and the next ten inane minutes are spent contacting these women (most of them white) at beaches and parks, and getting publicly beaten. The scriptwriter obviously sat with copious leather bound volumes of Champak and Lotpot and generously copied ideas for this. Finally, when they have exhausted their respective lists, they come back home and ponder a little more on how to deal with it.

The men are furious, and tired, and in this state, all of them lose their jobs on the same day (for the exception of Fardeen Khan whose profession is a mystery anyway) and they decide to dump the baby somewhere. They do exactly that, they come back, it starts raining, they realize their mistake, rush back to the baby who is by now comatose, take her to a hospital, scream, cry, cajole, and get the baby miraculously saved. From then on, the baby is the “aankh ka taara.”

They stop boozing (the wine bottles are replaced by milk bottles,) they stop looking at sexy women, they stop and help pregnant women on the street, they take turns looking after the baby (since all three of them are jobless in a foreign country, and the state must be paying for everything), and thank the baby for making them “achha aadmi”. Everyone is smiling (including the baby, undoubtedly to her real mother, hidden behind the camera) and absolutely delirious because of this newfound love, and I fought back the rising bile--even sprayed Pepsi on the people in front, but they didn’t notice.

Just when you thought all’s well that ends well, the ‘real’ mother (Vidya Balan, she’s really getting on my nerves now) who looks like Gestapo incarnated (in a 1950’s hairstyle and hip-hugging summer dresses), turns up and takes the baby away to her home, which looks like a rehab clinic/ heritage resort, because it is the law. We realize AK is the father. She also confronts her father (Boman Irani, the new HAMster, who apparently told stories about the baby being dead on birth, and who actually left the baby at the doorstep), tells him that she hates him, but still goes on living in the same house.

We are never told what Boman Irani does for a living either and how on earth did he amass such vast wealth, and exactly why does he act like a retard throughout the movie. (A credible explanation would be that his parents were siblings, but I am being out of line here.) We are also treated to the history of how the baby was conceived when AK went to Dilli, gave her ‘Jhoothe Vaade’ to have sex with her (since the only girl who will not sleep with AK is the girl AK does not want to sleep with) and left for Sydney, not realizing that there’s a bun in the oven.

Oh well, the heroes are shattered, and they want the baby back at any cost. So, they confront Boman on being such a jackass of a father, get confronted back, and come up with a plan so ludicrous that it immediately reminds you of stories in Women’s Era (If anyone ever bothered to read them; I used to!). The plan goes haywire somewhere, VB gets furious, and off she goes with the baby in her private jet (!!!), only to return back to AK and gang, with all her pearly whites on display (I swear I am gonna knock them off one by one someday) and to live happily forever. End.

Akshay Kumar should really stick to modeling for Grasim Suitings or Lifebuoy advertisements, because acting is certainly something which he cannot do. Yes, he did ok in Hera Pheri, but that’s only because the script was brilliant, and Paresh Rawal played a major part in the success. Yes, he also did a good job in Sangharsh, but again, that one was a well-made movie. His so-called comic skills are nothing but irritating, he speaks in a Punjabi accent all the time, and the voice goes for a toss every time he tries to raise it a few octaves. Oh, and I forgot to mention the gummy smile. I’ll say the same for Fardeen Khan who just cannot look in the camera, refuses to let go of his public school accent, and doesn’t know what to do with his hands most of the time. Oh, and he should really give up his ‘play-boy’ image, he looks like he can use rehab.

Riteish Deshmukh is getting better since when he started, and he really should choose his movies carefully. This is not one of his better performances, but he does stand out.

Vidya Balan and Boman Irani just ham up their lines, but then they have nothing much to do in the movie – the former looks unnecessarily stern and ridiculous, the latter is an embarrassment to watch.

Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy disappoint once again, right after Marigold. You lose interest in the songs the minute they are played. They should stick to producing albums, which is what they are really good at. Farah Khan too, despite this one being her baby brother’s (Sajid Khan) debut, does absolutely nothing.

The movie seriously lacks production values. Sets have been used and re-used as a cost-saving measure. The local ‘talent’ used in the movie are visibly amused at being in a film, and can't stop smiling at the camera. The camera work is often shaky, and mostly blurry, and out of focus, which gave me a very bad headache. Cinematography is non-existent, and stock shots of Sydney are used generously.

Shahrukh Khan makes a two-minute appearance (with a pony tail), which also adds nothing, except cat-calls from the crowd. The end credit does say “Luv U Shahrukh” though.

In my opinion, Heyy Babyy is completely missable, even on TV. What I do suspect though, is that the movie just might do good, going by the reactions I saw in the cinema hall – thigh clapping, whistling, a little dancing, and uncontrollable laughter all around, people walking out talking about specific scenes and such. So do go watch it, if you love babies, and more than that enjoy looking at ‘cute’ baby forwards in their mail.

‘nuff said.



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