This
is the thought which popped into my
mind, as I started watching the
opening credits of the movie, which
starts with the title song - 'Cash'.
Shamita shetty, and Esha Deol,
displayed ample cleavage effortlessly,
and even gave it a jiggle or two, when
the time was right. The lyrics of
course were meaningless, and I
wondered who the songwriter was, since
I was busy looking, and missed that
part. But the song was apparently
catchy, and soon the couples seated
next to me were actually singing it.
There
are action movies, and then there is
Cash. The director obviously stacked
DVD's of Kill Bill, Van Damme, and
Steven Segal, and played them over and
over again, before he actually sat
down to write the script. Which, I am
afraid, is non-existent. In the
beginning we see Zayed Khan (I swear
he IS a girl!), and Boobles (sorry,
Ayesha Takia, alarmingly chubby) in
some godforsaken first-class section
of an aircraft. The former is mouthing
crappy shayari, and boobles is
apparently swayed by it (fluttering
eyelashes, upturned mouth and all
that). Zayeda starts telling her a
story, so as to kill time and so on.
Shamita Shetty (long way to go still,
baby) is the
armed-to-the-teeth-security in-charge
of the Indian high-commission in Cape
Town (?) and has famous writer Ajay
Devgan (in real he is the god of
thieving, slick gadgets, and cool
shades, and a bad haircut) as her
boyfriend. Throughout the movie, we
don't see one single word written by
the famous writer, who lives in a
mansion complete with a pool and
driveway. Both actors mouth words like
'mind-blowing' and 'jaanu' every now
and then. Except for a song which goes
'mind blowing mahia', we actually
don't get to see the love there. Both
of them are too busy showing cleavage,
and cracking one-liners which
immediately put you to sleep. Yes,
there was one funny sequence between
them, but you dont need to go see the
entire movie for it; if you can wait,
YouTube will have it soon.
Zayeda Khan and Ritesh Deshmukh are
two top-of-the-line thieving types
from Bombay. Zayeda is the waterboy
(he is skillful with a water-scooter,
and naturally cannot be caught), and
Deshmukh is the International
skateboard champion (we are told he
hates water). How our heroes learned
to 'wa terscoot' and scateboard like
that in Bombay, is anyone's guess.
They are both in love with Esha Deol
(Double chin and baby fat
notwithstanding, she has the third
chin lurking around. She'll soon need
to strap them) who is a getaway
driver, a club dancer, with a habit of
saying "kitna shor hai", while she
rolls her eyes so fast that you fear
the eyeballs will get tangled like a
plastic doll. However, as the movie
progresses, you find out that
everybody in it is a getaway driver.
What a bummer!
Sunil Shitty (sorry) is an unshaven,
dirty looking gangster who speaks in a
weird accent, wears frayed coats and
tight jeans, and generally adds no
value to the movie. Diya Mirza (more
double chins) is his off-and-on-lover
who actually does nothing in the movie
other than bending down to show us a
non-existent cleavage, diving in the
water (with a chroma backdrop, shot in
a studio), and dying with a
close-range bullet just when I was
beginning to warm up to her.
As for the plot I am not really sure
what really happens. The story
revolves around some precious diamonds
which have been around for a few
generations, and now suddenly all the
bad people are out to get them. Yeah,
that's about it. Other factors adding
to the plot are some
half-hearted-and-unnecessary-action
stunts, ample amounts of bad animation
sprinkled throughout the movie,
out-of-focus-sequences, AMPLE amount
of cleavage, eye-wear by Armani and
his ilk, and a truckload of stubble.
What especially irritated me was the
insertion of (bad, repetitive 2D)
animation every time there was a
dangerous stunt. The songs are
trashy-catchy, with millions of
bare-naked-ladies parading around. For
once, I welcomed them whole-heartedly,
since they saved me from the inane
action-animation sequences.
So, go watch Cash if you have nothing
better to do than play join-the-dots,
or stare in blank, empty space. As for
me, I have been cheated and I want my
money back. If they make a Cash-2,
which I suspect they might, I'll catch
it on my good old Star Gold.
