DWS Extra

Everything is so communally charged in India these days. Genius observation, isn’t it?

1. All those historical wrongs that have to be righted

2. All those religions conversions that have to be done to add to the flock

3. All that past ruling-class status to be regained

4. All those westernizing influences to be purged

Ha, what a beautiful Saturday morning!

This is the Weekly religion bulletin for all my dear communal friends. (The weekly bulletin for my Communist friends will begin shortly. Right now the audience is missing, all in Nandigram paying back someone in their own coin and all that.)

All my Hindu friends have super reason to worry this Saturday morning. The Indian government, led by one Christian lady from vilayat, has decided to grant full adoption rights to minorities! That means, they can adopt Hindu babies born on the streets, abandoned babies and all and make them Christians.

This is a sad day for all of you, I am sure. Till now, Christians and Muslims who adopted abandoned, born-Hindu babies, could not legally be their parents. They could only be guardians. So the kids could be adopted, but officially the people who have adopted them cannot be their parents. In school, they would be known as the kid’s guardians. The kid himself/ herself would always remember by the system that these are not my real parents, this is not my house, this is not my religion my parents practise.

The beauty of the system as it existed was obvious.

Now, all that is gonna change, my Hindu friends on Saturday morning. The bloody kids will now feel practically a part of the family! Then it is a matter of time before they go to Church, accept Pop Corn as their master, and vote for the Congress. So wily na, that Christian lady and her chamcha sardar. Together they will make this a Christian country I am sure. Tell me, if we want a Christian country, we would go to the US as we already do. Why bring the USA to India, tell me.

There is only one way to fix this. There will be some Malayalee Christian nuns in North India or MP, usually with names like Sister Jincy, Princy and Lincy. Easy to recognise them, their wild eyes and wild talk in strange monkey language. Sudarshan, our own Hindu Pop Kaun, thinks that they are the most Hinduised Christians in India, but no matter. Stop their car, and beat them up. After all, Lincy, Jincy and Princy are on their way to convert the Hindus of the cow belt in their monkey language.

But do not worry, my Christian listeners, there is hope for you too. You can update with your conversion oriented websites with new updated projections. Effectively utilising the new adoption laws, you will be able to convert another ten percent of Hindoostan and make them accept the loving Yeshua as the one and only true God in another 1,563 years. (Hungama and singing ensues in listener household in mid-West USA: Better adjust that and make it 15.63 years. Who wants to wait. Yay! Darling, will you tell those stupid kids there to stop doing whatever un-Christian things they are doing in the haystack and go update our website with new data please? And get someone to leak our new projections to those Hindoo bloggers, will you?)

To all my Muslim listeners, now. Very confused today, aren’t we, like always? I mean, life is complicated as it is, with new fatwas, and fatwas against fatwas… Adoption? Is that Islamic? Is that Islamic according to Sunnis? Then it will be un-Islamic according to Shias. Excommunicate! No? Yes? Shall we consult with Saudi mullahs? What - Bin Laden says Saudi Mullahs are not Islamic? There is a fatwa from Saudi Mullahs against Bin Laden, and even speaking his name is un-Islamic? Please don’t shoot me, can I adopt Bin Laden?

See what I mean. It is by confusing us like this that the infidels overthrew us in India. It is a Christian-Hindu conspiracy against us. This adoption law change is just to confuse us, they have figured out our weak point - they will deliberately come up with new ideas not mentioned in the Holy Book, and throw us all into internal squabbles. We can’t even agree on what is written in the Holy Book, and new ideas are the worst form of weapon against us. A fatwa against new ideas, please.

Whew. That’s it on the weekly Communal News Bulletin, my friends. Catch you all next weekend. Go on, and have a great grumpy weekend. Bye and out.