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If citizens of modern countries can keep their countries clean, why can’t we?

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BY MANALI ROHINESH

I saw the funniest standup English comedy show recently and no..it was not a reality show on television. It was ‘Walking on Broken Das’ at the Nehru Centre, performed by Vir Das. He is India’s sole answer, at the moment, to Jay Leno and the whole gang which kept us entertained in ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’

It was rib-tickling, one hour of puns, sex jokes, funny characterisation and music. Oh..let me not forget the slides that were flaunted between acts to keep the audience warmed up and in good humour.

Vir Das is a talented performer and even his below-the-belt stuff was hilarious and not vulgar in the least. He’s giving breaks to a lot of new upcoming standup comedians – first in this show he’s introduced Saurabh Pant – but he’s also performing live at Blue Frog every third Sunday at 7.00 pm with a lot of the other upcoming talents.

Do check him out – You’ll be crying tears of joy and laughter. Not a bad way to spend a weekend.

I remember watching him perform at CNBC-TV18, when I worked there. I loved the way he punned his own name – how Vir Das was mauled into ‘Weird Ass’ by the Americans because of their accent!! Keep stuff like this coming.

I do have a suggestion about where you could pick up some rich material for future shows. How about junk e-mails? As a woman, I get far too many on how to enlarge my penis! May be I should be getting an e-mail on how to acquire one in the first place!

I have nothing against TV ads – le’s be clear. They are required, they bring in much needed moolah, and some of them are really creative, some make you think, some make you laugh.

And there are some which make you want to kick the TV, pull the actors out of the TV set and then kick them in the butt again and again.

Watching the IPL Season 2 on TV, I am pissed off again and again by several ads. The one which infuriates me this time is the Oh-so-cute Airtel ad featuring the celluloid couple from Guru, Vidya Balan and Madhavan.

As cheesy goes, this one surely takes the cake.

Setting: Cosy home. Vidya Balan sitting on a sofa reading something, Madavan sitting like an ullu on a sofa faraway in front.

Vidya Balan’s phone beeps. She picks it up, says, “very romantic.” Madhavan smiles cutely.

Vidya Balan’s phone beeps again. Madhavn makes a perfect impression of a retarded ape. Mouth open a bit.

She picks up phone, sees its an SMS from Madhavan again, and goes into a harange. “whats this, SMS pe SMS, there are cutbacks everywhere and here you go SMS-ing again and again.”

Madhavan’s face falls. Kicked-in-the-teeth expression employed by Madhavan.

Middle-harangue, Vidya’s phone rings. She picks up and goes, “hello?”

Madhavan announces: “Pyar mein cutbacks nahin hona chahiye”.

Vidya Balan gets it! Respect dawns on her face. Madhavan makes cute-boy expression again. Vidya touches the roof of her mouth with her tongue and offers happy wifely smile. Madhavn too sjiles in tiumph.

GAAAARGH!

This ad would have normally just seen me smirk. But the Airtel ad appears so many times during the course of a single match, now I loathe it from the heart of my bottom.

Their earlier Airtel ads were also mildly smirk-inducing, but this one, just because of the number of times it is aired, just takes it to a whole new level of atrociousness.

I am not a native of Delhi – landed here only a couple of years back. On my first trip to Dwarka, I did not have any idea how to get there. I had to go to Mahavir Enclave, a dusty crowded place next to Dwarka. The instructions were, while you are on the flyover, watch for the sign boards as the exit ramp to Mahavir Enclave appears a bit suddenly.

It happened exactly like that. If you saw it too late, you would swerve to get into it likely leading to an accident; someone from behind would run into you.

It was obvious that the design of the flyover was faulty. On further trips on the Dwarka flyover, I noticed that people tended to speed up, and the curves were too sharp and flat for motorcycles and scooters which rely on banking to turn into corners. Overall, bad design for sure. The curves are a bit sharp even for cars if the drivers are not alert enough.

So obviously the designers of the Dwarka flyover are to blame. Or are they?

If it was obvious to a Delhi newbie like me on my first trip on the Dwarka flyover that it is a dangerous place to drive fast, what about everyone else? What about all the people who have been to Dwarka who would warn you of the dangers if you drive fast there?

Let’s try blaming the deisgners of the Dwarka flyover. It is not really a flyover – it is a viaduct that just passes over a winding narrow road under it, much like the JJ Flyover of Mumbai. The JJ Flyover has similar issues with sharp curves – and if you are not alert, you would have a crash there. The difference is that there are high barriers on the JJ Flyover, and people do not fly off the and land on the ground 30-40 feet below.

Dwarka flyover too is narrow as the road below it is narrow. It takes sharp turns because the road below takes sharp turns.

There might be solutions to such a situation, certainly. Maybe lots of rumble strips. Maybe real high railings.

But there is some responsibility on the people too. This is India, where there is no nanny state protecting us and caring for us. One thing life in India teaches you is that you are mostly on your own. Your ass is your business.

How come there have been more accidents after the Holi accident on the Dwarka Flyover that killed 3? There were two more accidents afterwards. After the Holi accident, the news was on TV, newspapers, FM radio, and everyone was talking about it. Who are the people who remain unaware of the dangers of the Dwarka Flyover even after so much publicity? Remember that the Dwarka flyover has been known to be troublesome for the last 2 or 3 years. Who are these people who remain blissfully unaware of it all?

I am not really talking about the people who died. There are lots of idiots even now on the Dwarka Flyover, even after all this publicity. Perhaps, cops should just slap anybody who speeds on the flyover. That might be a good lesson, and the cops would enjoy it I am sure.

Been thinking about this for a while. Why not create some funny malayali t-shirts and try to sell it online? If it works, great and I make a lot of fellow mallus happy. We all get to wear mallu t-shirts! What can be better than that?

On the other hand, if nobody wants to buy them by spending their hard-earned money, i waste only an hour or two of my time. And Vendel venda, poda!

So I set about creating my funny mallu t-shirt. I think I am resoanbly happy with the results as you can see here.

This one is a V-f-r-vendetta T-shirt. As any malayali would agree, vendetta is overhyped. It is not as important as vendakka. Vendakka is the Fount of Life, just like Viskey is the elixir of life.

So here it is, presenting the all-new V for Vendakka t-shirts for complete and total enjoyment of all my malayali friends and enemies. If you are a vendakka thalayan, obviously you would not like it. For the smart and intelligent mallu, here is the best gift.

Update: News sites are now reporting that 2 people were killed, and 18 injured in the blast.

This just in. There has been a bomb blast at Jahaj Mahal flower market in New Delhi. According to reports, 5 people have died and 50 injured.

The injured have been rushed to Safdarjung Hospital and AIIMS in New Delhi.

Eye witness reports say that two men planted the bomb and escape. We also hear that they were on a motorcycle, planted the bomb and got away on a motorcycle. No reliable reports on the blast yet.

Police and ambulances have rushed to the spot.

Jahaj Mahal and Mehrauli are crowded areas in New Delhi.

The blast happened at around 2:30 PM.

You can track breaking news about the Mehrauli bomb blast at any of the major news websites below;

Rediff

IBNlive

NDTV

Hoping all of you are fine.

Jahaj Mahal, Mehrauli photo

As if one has to re-state this. You would think everyone would agree. But the current state of media reporting of car or motorcycle accidents, and the attitude of society, and possibly the judgements compel me to write about this.

I am not a Delhiite – but I have been here for two years, and been driving here for eight months now. Before that, I was in Mumbai (Bombay) where I dare not drive or ride, and before that, in Kerala where I lived on two wheels.

There are accidents every day in Delhi. Speeding buses, speeding cars, trucks and tractor trailers parked on the wrong side of the road at night, drunken driving, ignoring traffic signals. Pedestrians and two wheeler riders are in serious danger on Delhi’s roads, and even traveling in an autorickshaw or car is not safe.

But.

From my experience, two wheeler accidents are more than often the fault of the motorcycle or scooter rider in Delhi. I am truly sorry for those who lost their loved ones in such accidents, but I am here talking to those of you who ARE going to lose your family or friends in accidents.

Or you yourself, the delhi two-wheeler rider. You are a danger to others, even even more, you are a danger to yourself. You, the average motorcycle or scooter rider of Delhi, is an idiot, retard, fool who endangers everyone else’s life the moment you are on the street.

Traffic rules? They don’t apply to anyone. in Delhi And even less so to a motorcycle rider.

Blind spots behind cars

Do you know that a car or SUV has a blind spot? There is a particular position behind a car or SUV where we cannot see you at all. If you follow a car staying exactly within that spot, despite all my rear view mirrors, I cannot see you. If I take a sudden turn thinking there is no one there, you are going to crash headfirst into my car.

Do not dare accuse me of being elitist, being a car guy. I was riding a motorcycle before a lot of you ever saw one – and guess what? I knew about the blind spot when I was riding. Booya. You are an idiot, sirjee.

Turn signals: They are there for a reason

Have you ever noticed those bring yellow lights that blink before a car takes a turn? If the yellow turn indicator lights blink on the left, you retard, that is not an invitation for you to accelerate to the speed of light and overtake me on the left before my car turns left.

I switch them on when I am going to take a left turn, and to warn you that I am going to take a left. Once I know that you have seen them blinking, I feel SAFE to turn, as now you would not be an asshole and try to make an omelet out of your brain against my left side door. But you do.

It is shameful that one has to educate a Delhi motorcyclist or scooter rider about such things.

Four wheels are more stable that two

Somehow, your little brain does not seem to notice this. Do not come within inches of a much larger vehicle. Sure, we are both going forward, and the 5 inch gap remains so – but if you skid towards me after riding over a slippery stone, you crash into me and very likely bounce off under a bus or truck which is following you.

Junctions with no signals

If there are no signals, do not think you can blast past the junction at 70 or 80. LOOK. If there are no signals, I can blast past too and in all likelihood, 1 tonne meeting 150 kg ends up bad for the guy on the 150 kg vehicle. I may end up in jail, but you are dead – and a dead persons don’t have much fun. Not to mention, in 6 months’ time, your girlfriend would be getting laid by your best friend.

This is such a common sight on Delhi roads – cars and motorcyclists crossing a signal-less junction without a care. It is criminal of Delhi government to allow any junction without signals.

The moving roadblock – the slow rider in Delhi

Yes, you guys are the ones – usually middle aged or above – who decide to ride in the middle of a three lane road at 40 kmph. You know, your motorcycle or scooter would be in fourth gear at that speed, probably going at the optimum speed for fuel efficiency. Not cars or SUVs. They usually are in fourth gear around 50, and often the engine turns smoothly only at 50-60 – for large cars, its even higher. So, cars and SUVs tend to drive some 30-30 kmph faster than you on an empty road.

now lets say we suddenly see you there. We approach you much faster than we expect – as most people on the road now drive at 50-60 kmph, and for someone in a car at 60 or 70, a motorcyclist at 30 or 40 looks, well, stationary! You are bloody not moving, relatively speaking. It makes us panic, miscalculate the distances, step on brakes, swerve – often driving into someone who is riding 5 inches from my left side in my blind spot. Thank you, you have just deleted his leg. Or head, if you are lucky.

Burst into traffic at high speed from a lane

Yes. You do that. And you are splattered on the road.

Recent motorcycle – car- bus accidents in Delhi

Cars, especially BMWs, have been driving into people on two wheelers often these days. Riders are often killed in the accidents, and the guys in the cars get thrashed, and put behind bars.

First, no one really knows if the motorcycle rider or the car driver is at fault. At least 50 % of the time, the motorcycle rider is, I think. And what happens?

First, there is you – the accident victim – lying on the road. Instead of helping you, a crowd gathers and beats up the driver. Instead of getting the driver to take you to a hospital in his car, they trash the car. Then, after a long time, as you are breathing your last, someone remembers to call the police. By the time you read the hospital, you are dead. The driver is in jail, sometimes bailed out, sometimes not.

Now, imagine that there is an accident – if a driver is scared of a mob beating him up and trashing his car, he is not going to stick around. He is gonna hightail it out of there, and fuck your sorry ass. If he knows that he can do something – remember he is also in shock – he would try to take you to a hospital. After he does not want you to die. But remember that he does not partcicularly want himself to die either – and if it comes to a choice of putting his life on the line, he would flee.

So, people of Delhi, cut that habit of beating up drivers. You are not helping anyone. I read so much about road accidents and people dying and drivers getting thrashed, sometimes lynched – and let me assure you, if I get into an accident, I would help you only if I am sure I won’t be thrashed. Thanks to all of you who are happy to beat up drivers, I won’t be taking the risk. Make it safe for drivers who may or may not be guilty, and you may have a few more saved from death.

To the courts, on road accident victims and culprits

You know there is often no way there is any conclusive proof of who was at fault considering our cops’ investigative skills. I mean, if they even bother. Recently you put a BMW driver behind bars, after he crashed into a motorcycle. Two riders were killed. The judge himself expressed the opinion that the left front side of the car was damaged, so it was likely the motorcycle crashed into the car there. Still, he was sent to jail.

Why?

Most likely, there is no way it could be proven that he was at fault. He was not drunk, a separate offence. he escaped from the scene – I think it was because of that hero who ran to him and whispered, “Aap ne toh inhe maar diye”. Very nice. Considering that drivers are beaten up for much smaller crimes, telling a shocked driver that he just killed someone would reaaallyy make him want to stick around and take the victims to a hospital.

Be logical. If it really is his fault, send him to jail after its proven. Putting someone in jail when there has been almost no investigation is not justice. Maybe that is how our justice system works – jail first, and investigation later.

The Electronic Cigarette or E-Cigarette that has been developed in China by Hon Lik of Ruyan is gaining in popularity in India among smokers who want to give a shot to quitting without getting rid of their nicotine fix. Read the rest of this entry »

This has beena bad habit for a long time. Check once a day what’s been going on with my Alexa rankings. Everyone knows the ranking were not of much relevance unless you were comparing sites in the same industry or market.

So when I check today, surprise, the ranking of my site has gone up form 36,000 yesterday to 16,000 today. Brillianto! Once I got rid of the doubts about an error, I opened my eyes and saw this message:

Yay. Click and go in. And there is a more detailed explanation of the ranking changes.

The most important change seems to be that Alexa nowrelies not just on the toolbar, but also on a variety of other data sources. What are these other sources? Metacrawler.com etc? No clarity on that yet.

My first impression is that yes, the new rankings are a lot more accurate. Till now, it was easy to find sites with just 5k unique users a day, and maybe 10k pageviews a day ranking much, much better than my own site which easily has 15-25k users on any given day. So this ranking change seems to have got that right.

For this site, around 40 % of the visitors have been from India – a demographic which Alewxa never seemed to bother about much. Now it looks like it has changed.

From my quick checking of sites whose traffic levels I am aware of, and comparing them to my own site, things are a lot better for Alexa.

I will be doing some serious study of where everyone stands – and will keep an eye out for all those analyses by experts that are going to come in anytime now.

Cutts did not say that in those words, of course.

He talked to Tedster at PubCon first, then Tedster posted about it in WebmasterWorld, then Tedster posted a clarification. Here’s the latest I have found there:

This change will NOT mean that it’s 100% impossible to rank subdomain urls in addition to urls from the main domain. The current plans are to make it harder to rank a third url, then even harder to rank a fourth, and so on with an increasing “damping factor”.

So this change will NOT mean that it’s 100% impossible to rank subdomain urls in addition to urls from the main domain. The current plans are to make it harder to rank a third url, then even harder to rank a fourth, and so on with an increasing “damping factor”.

But basically the title is right – for those of you who were using subdomains to get additional rankings and branding in Google SERPs, those days will soon be over.

At first, I like the idea. Very often I have come across subdomain after subdomain ranking for stuff. You can find a few examples of this in SEORoundTable.

From what Matt Cutts has said, it looks like Google is moving in that direction. So at some point, we can expect to see only 2 results max from every site. So they may either be a result from the subdomain or from the main domain in whatever combination Google thinks fit.

Fine by me. But this confuses me a bit as a webmaster. One of  my plans for my site goes out the window immediately. Not panicking or anything, but Google messes up often. And while they are planning this rollout, I would be stupid to end up being collateral damage.

See, I had this plan that I would create a few subdomains on this site. For example, you are now reading this in a subdirectory, but it is a blog, and I wanted to create similar stuff that I can create a brand that is a bit different from the main site with a subdomain and all that. You can see one I have here – f1.dancewithshadows.com. This is a Digg clone where I wanted to develop a Formula One racing social news site. Still connected to the mothership, but separate at the same time.

Similarly, I wanted to offer some subdomain blogs to bloggers. I have a friends, who were interested.

But what happens now? Let’s take the tough scenario.

Say my blogger writes something on his blog in the subdomain. I have something that tangentially touches upon it on my main site. On account of higher age and trust, there is a good chance that my tangential page would outrank my blogger-friend on his subdomain. Would he like it? Nah.

In an ideal scenario – from my point of view as a webmaster – I would have preferred if both of us had relevant pages, both of us would rank. I am not sure of this anymore.

Sure Google would rank two URLs. But that is what they say now – they are not that super at implementing exactly what they want, and things go wrong. In the ideal Google world, he would rank and I would rank too. 2 URLs. Sweet.

In the real world, probably he would rank when I should, and I would rank when he should.

So its time to sit back and wait.

If there is one thing I have learnt in all these years, it is to act like Google is a mad cop with a taser. And me, the guy in the towel.

P.S. There is a discussion over at Sphinn on this.