Under Rihanna’s Umbrella

The first time I heard this nasal twang of a song on TV, I dismissed it as a fizzless pop dud. But then I looked at the singer. Wow, I thought to myself, so young, so nubile.

Yet, what awful voice! Grating on my supersensitive nerve endings, but her well-endowed frame was definite eye candy. I forgot the song as soon as it was over, but I remembered her image. I had not even caught the name. What the heck, I’ll wait for a repeat to catch her name, if that’s what it takes. I was rewarded sooner than I had expected. She was all over the channels, her song repeated almost every hour. Rihanna was there, and something told me that she’s not done yet.

The Beauty from Barbados

Robyn Rihanna Fenty was a beautiful kid. Back in Barbados, she was the pageantry scorcher, winning many talent shows and beauty contests at school, though one would wonder if the talent shows included singing. There was something special about this green-eyed dusky girl that caught Evan Rogers’ fancy. While holidaying in Barbados, he was introduced to this special 16-year-old girl, and he knew he had a pop star in the making. For Rihanna, such a windfall of luck was unheard of, till then. Rogers set her up with Jay Z, and Def Jam records were quick to sign her on. Rihanna’s charisma seemed to work its way into the mainstream pop music scene. Summer 2005 saw her debut single Pon De Replay, a heavily synthetic pop release, with hints of her roots in the Caribbean beats to the song.

It was Pon De Replay I had dismissed as something I’d not want to keep in my eclectic music collection, but the world seemed to disagree with me. I was right on two counts – that she was beautiful, and that she was not done yet. I reserved my remarks about her singing though, lest I be considered a pariah among mindless pop aficionados.

Oops! She Did it Again

About two months ago, I saw Rihanna back on TV, and it was completely by chance. The show that features new releases was on, and I was generally bored. The video started, and oh! there she was, short hair, skimpy dresses, and wet in the rain. As she went …umbrella, ella, ella, ella… I took another look at her. I could vouch that her nudes in the video, very cleverly placed, would tease the daylights out of many men. As usual, my attention was not so much on the song, but the singer. I wanted Jay-Z out of the video, wishing that he’d be somewhere else with Beyonce, NOT here with Rihanna. She deserves all the screen space for the beauty she is. I could always mute her song to keep her voice from rattling my nuts. Yet, even though I did not pay much attention to her singing Umbrella, the arrangement of the song screamed right out that it had hit jack pot.

Jackpot it hit, staying at the top of UK charts for 10 weeks in a row. This is the first time in a decade any artist has managed to stay at the top of the UK charts for more than nine weeks. Some ten years ago, the mushy Love is All Around Me created waves everywhere, making soft, diffused light romance a rage. It remained at the top spot for 15 weeks. Everybody was in love with Hugh Grant, Four Weddings and A Funeral, and I remember in school, the boys wanted to serenade girls with the Wet Wet Wet classic in their half-cracked voices. Thankfully, I had no such urges. Even before that, in 1990, Bryan Adams’ most popular mush-o-rama titled (Everything I Do) I Do it for You gave the love struck brave hearts an anthem to die crooning for their darling pretties. This over the top romantic ditty stayed in the charts for 16 weeks, but could not break the record of 18 weeks held by Frankie Laine in 1953.

Rihanna Retail

Rihanna has a lot going for her right now. Her new look, allegedly inspired by Posh Spice’s short bob look, has women rushing to salons. Rihanna denies Posh inspiration, but the fact is, she is a million times better to look at than the perpetually anorexic Victoria Posh Beckham. In terms of talent, they are both at par, if not better or worse still, worse than each other.

Such is the power of Rihanna’s singing that some blame her song Umbrella for the current state of wetness in the UK. Perhaps Rihanna has rediscovered the lost Raag Megh Malhar, the famous raga composed by Tansen to invoke rain from the clouds. The only thing is, would Tansen have sounded the same? By me, Mughal emperor Akbar should be the founder of Hip Hop then, if he could have survived Tansen singing shrilly through his nose.

And since it has been pouring cats and dogs in England, Rihanna makes a smart move – she sells umbrellas! Teaming up with the British clothes company Totes, Rihanna is all set to endorse her own line of rain protection. Rihanna sure knows how to ride a wave, and ride it like a veteran surfer.

Reigning Rihanna

Rihanna’s stint at the top reaffirms some of the trends seen lately in music. If you sound ‘different’, you stand a chance, but if you look stunning also, you are here to stay. For Rihanna, passable singing is enough, her Sizzle-the-Screen quotient hoists her way up, high above the plain janes who can also sing, and sometimes sing better. If Amy Winehouse could create a space for herself in the top ten, it was her voice and her retro look, but that was not enough to sustain her success compared to a star like Rihanna.

Personally, I’d date an Amy Winehouse, but Rihanna is almost fairy-like -- in-your-dreams, fantasy type. She’s unreachable, and can set many hearts afire with her smoky eyes. And I’d not want to date Rihanna for another reason – what if in the middle of the date, she had the sudden urge to sing? I’d end up paying for the food I did not even eat, or the wine I splattered onto my neighbour’s starched white shirt. That could be dangerous. I could also be beaten up, and Rihanna ups and leaves with the stronger guy. I’d be crushed.

I am still adamant about not including her in my playlist. But this I know, I will buy Rihanna umbrellas for sure. That way, she can always remain on top of me, and boy, will she be wet!

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